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THE SPELL IS BROKEN I AM DELETING MY BLOG THIS IS JUST AS BAD AS THE YANKEES CAP TRAVESTY

I’m completely confounded by the celery. I have had a Sicilian make sauce with for me with carrots (and peas. Yes, peas) but the celery I find really odd. He loves it that way so….

Celery * 🤐 *

RIGHT??!! This is the stupidest, most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard and I am both disgusted and delighted by this man. 😍 Celery in spaghetti. That’s crazy talk. Aside from the fact that celery is nasty and it’s probably the result of God’s first (failed) experiment making vegetables, WHY WOULD YOU PUT IT IN SPAGHETTI. WHY.

I assume because he is kind of stewing the sauce? I don’t think it would add any favor so it probably is a texture thing. But it does seem weird to put in a pasta sauce.

I need that gif of Pine running into the hotel bathroom to puke. Because celery. And celery in spaghetti. Madness.

Are you food shaming the birthday boy? Don’t do that! 😩 we all have weird things we do and if his is celery and tin tomatoes in spaghetti then just let it be. That’s what he likes 😊

My weird thing is making indentions in my arm so I can feel them. Yes I know! I am very strange. It’s just something that has always interested me… No idea why.

Raw celery is monstrosity straight from the depths of hell. 

Cooked celery is delicious and adds a wonderful flavour. You can add it to anything you’d also add onions too; just chop it finely and it will essentially disappear into the food and be unnoticeable. 

It’s especially nice in meatloaf. 

As a real Bolognese, a woman born and raised in Bologna, and who has been working in restaurants (in Bologna), I HAVE to say something:

1) Bolognese sauce (its real name would be Bolognese Ragout, btw) does NOT go with spaghetti. You’ll never find a restaurant (or a grandma, because in Bologna grandmas are The Rulers Of Kitchen And Everything Else- you don’t wanna mess with a Bolognese grandma) serving “spaghetti bolognese”. It is considered an abomination. Or something you would feed to dogs and barbarians (but why waste a good ragout on them?). Bolognese ragout goes with tagliatelle, or lasagne (it’s the main ingredient) or other kinds of handmade pasta, but always egg-pasta (flour+eggs, the proportion being one egg every 100 grams of flour). Never normal pasta and absolutely never with spaghetti.

2) This is how we do The Ragout Alla Bolognese. In Bologna. 

2a) You will need:

– 1 big white onion

– 1 piece of celery

– 1 carrot

– 800-1000 g of minced meat  (beef, pork or half and half)

– 200 ml of milk or white wine, not sparkling. You use red wine only if it’s a only-pork ragout. Never milk and wine together. You have to choose one (the original recipe, 147 years old, says milk, but that’s because at the time, wine was too expensive to use for anything that wasn’t drinking your sorrows away)

– 750 to 900 ml of tomato sauce. You can use a canned one, but beware, the only ingredients must be tomato, salt and water. No basil or garlic or any other spice. Or you could make your own tomato sauce, but you would need a free week in summer to do it properly, and that is what grandmas exist for.

– Lard (original recipe) or extra virgin olive oil. Not bacon.

2b) Chop the vegetables very finely, then put them in a large pot with the lard (or olive oil) and cook them until the onion and the celery become transparent and the carrot is tender (20-30 minutes). Add the minced meat and stir constantly for 45 minutes to 1 hour. There should not be meatballs or cooking liquids in the end. Add the milk (or wine) and continue to stir until the alcohol is evaporated and the liquid absorbed in the meat. Then put the tomato sauce in, continue to stir, and add 500 ml of water. When the sauce begins to boil in earnestly, set the burner on minimum, and cover the pot, but not completely, leave a one-centimeter-opening.

The sauce should always continue to boil, but very, very quietly. Go to the balcon and have a cigaret. Read a book. Wait 5-6 hours (remember to stir every once in a while). If all goes well, the sauce  should be an orange-brownish colour, and greatly reduced in volume. Its consistence should be dense and creamlike. Add a spoon of salt when it has cooled a bit.

3) Whatever Tom has been cooking, I’m sure it’s delicious, but it’s NOT Bolognese.

4) Here in Bologna, food is taken seriously. Very seriously. Every year, there is a competition between the best restaurants (and grandmas) and a jury of experts, presided by the city mayor, decides who is the best at traditional cooking. There is also a century-long feud with our neighbor city (Modena, less than 40 km far) about tortellini and what exactly goes in them (they say Prosciutto Crudo, we say Mortadella, and they are wrong and they know it, and someday we’ll send our grandmas to beat them bloody and level their useless city). That said, every family has its own variations and recipes (but the basics are never in discussion) and WE WILL FIGHT OVER THIS. 

5) Different parts of Italy do different types of Ragouts, and that’s fine and most of them are exquisite, but it’s not Bolognese. Romagna-landers (80-100 km from Bologna) use fresh tomatoes and boil their ragout for 10 hours, but they’re barbarians and don’t matter and if they disagree, they can go jump from the Bifrost.

6) You are all invited to my house to try the difference. Please come in small groups, I have only 1 couch. Come here and have a taste of the real Bolognese.

THIS KEEPS GETTING BETTER

The tortellini feud is my favorite part.

Thanks for the offer! *jumps on plane*

As an Italian myself, I can only second the fan from Bologna. She speaks the truth. We don’t use spaghetti as foreigns do. Spaghetti have their own sauces. Bolognese is not one of them 😁

Good post is good.

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