personal – Create a mess

I’m slowly starting to feel like me again. Slowly.

I feel like I’m screaming without sound. There are so many things I should be doing but I can’t manage. I can’t think straight. If my belly wasn’t acting up I’d force myself to go outside.

But I’m also tired of having to fight for everything. I can’t seem to shake this exhaustion. Being this depressed in the summertime is new. As is having a reason even though I know a reason is nonsense.

One minute I couldn’t give a shit about my jobs. The next I’m scared this lack of motivation will cost me my job. Which would mean an extra problem and no structure at all. How do I fix this and where do I find the strenght to fight again to fix it.

I just got back from my first vacation away from home in about 5 years. 5 days with no to-do list. No medical testing or procedures to get through. No dealing with another disapointment. Not a thing. I slept, read a book, sat and watched the trees and listened to the birds.

And made sure to tell my parents I was enjoying spending time with them. And that I appreciate them.

I realised I still need help. Medically and with getting a grip on my depression. Because it is kicking my ass harder than I can handle on my own.